The Haunting
by Demolition Cat
Summary: One word, folks: KWAAHAAAHAAAAA! Rated PG for killing the author O.o;;


Note: EEEUUULAAALLIIIAAAAAAA!!  
...^.^ Heh, I had to do dat. How is ye, folks?! I GLAD TO BE BACK ...why did I push the All Caps? WHY!? I'm glad to be back in The Realm Where Things Make No Sense!  
...I'm all exicted 'cause Triss, the newest redwall book, is gonna be relased in 'bout half a year ^.^ How I'm gonna survive the wait... I have no idea. I luv redwall. Dearly.  
  
-----  
THE HAUNTING! Oh, the horror...  
-----  
**Nny blinks once, tilting his head sharply to the right, a confused look upon his sickly brow. He can't quite figure it out...  
How DO they make those cards appear in their hands? Yes, our little Homicidal maniac has been watching a Fox TV magic special for the past hour-and-a-half. And it's oh so interesting. But little does he know, his fate is about to take a change for the worse. He is about to be... HAUNTED!**  
  
**Dramatic music plays in the background and Nny jumps on his sofa, slowly looking behind him.**  
  
Nny: Oh, gods. Music is playing out of nowhere. That can only mean...  
  
(Demo: ^.^ HIYA NNY!)  
  
Nny: **grabs his hair and pulls quite vigorously. It looks painful...** GO AWAY! Haven't you tortured me enough?  
  
**the calico kitty/android/zombie/shapeshifting squid/whatever the author FEELS like being right now phases in, appearing in Nny's lap**  
  
Demo: we always hurt the ones we love!  
  
**The next ten minutes is spent trying unsuccessfully to strangle the cat. After being outrun, outwitted, and outlasted, Nny finally settles down a little, glaring at Demo.**  
  
Nny: Stupid cat.  
  
Demo: Do you like ghosts?  
  
Nny: **blinks** Huh?  
  
Demo: Did I stutter? Do you like ghosts?  
  
Nny: Umm... I guess... **eyes Demo suspiciously** And why are you asking me this?  
  
Demo: long story; and it begins with the subsequent torture adults like to call "School".  
  
Nny: YOU get to get tortured?  
  
**A tuna falls from the ceiling and hits Nny on the head**  
  
Nny: OW!  
  
Demo: pay attention! I have to do a research paper for my reading and English classes. Luckily, I got to choose the topic. 'The effect Paranormal activity has on American Society today!' **grins cheerfully** An' you and me are going Ghost Hunting!  
  
Nny: **sighs** I'm not suited for this...  
  
Demo: of course you're not, hon. That's why I chose you. It's more fun that way.  
  
**Demo is promptly impaled on a long-handled knife, pinned to the ground**  
  
Demo: SWEET QUEEN AROUND US! (^.^ Diane Duane reference!) THAT HURT! **phases out for a second**  
  
Nny: ...**gasps** Am, I rid of her?  
  
(Quite the contrary, hon. But I ain't safe in there o.o)  
  
Nny: Shit.  
  
(Exactly! You're going to MY ATTIC! It's haunted.)  
  
Nny: by what?  
  
(Ethiopian Baboons. What do you think? Ghosts, Ghosts, you ignoramus!)   
  
Nny: **grins** A bit peeved about the whole "I-throw-a-knife-at-you-and-you-die" thing?  
  
(Yush. I suspect it's haunted by... THE GHOTST OF WILLY WONKA!)  
  
NnY: ... the what!?  
  
(KWAAHAHAAA!)  
  
**There is a flash of light... how typical. Do something different, Demo!**  
  
Nny: ...why is the narrator talking again?  
  
(That's Fluffy the Hissin' Cockroach. He's from the S_Files ^.^ Another series by me, but it's FFIX oriented.)  
  
Nny: **cocks brow**  
  
(I GOTS IT!)  
  
**Nny teleports out, Star-Trek style.**  
  
Nny: **rolls his eyes** How original. It's Star Trek, it's been done!  
  
(#.O We are the Borg.... you will be assimilated... resistance is futile!)  
  
Nny: O.o...  
  
**he doesn't have acat nose! Who's our ghostwriter?  
  
(Me. I write and publish **nods**)  
  
**What with the cat nose?**  
  
(He's so CUTE with it!)  
  
Nny: **twitches**  
  
(Er... I'll deal wid it later. First, to business! Find the ghost!)  
  
Nny: How do I do that!?  
  
(...I have no idea. I ain't no ghost-hunter. Just... call it.)  
  
Nny: Heeerree ghosty-ghosty-ghosty...  
  
(Haha. I'm splittin' mah sides, Nny.)  
  
Nny: Why am I even doing this? I'm in another one of your fanfics, aren't I?  
  
(You just now guessed that?)  
  
Nny: **twitches again** Urgh... better get this over with, then. HEY WILLY WONKA! You in here!?  
  
**...silence**  
  
Nny: Your attic isn't haunted, demo. I want to go HOME now...  
  
(**sighs** Patience is a virtue.)  
  
**more silence**  
  
(I dun really have time to wait. Looks like you lucked out this time, Nn-...WHAT THE NAME OF IAU QUEEN OF EVERYTHING IS THAT!!?)  
  
** a somewhat short, haalf-rotted zombie staggers into view. It's skin looks to have once been green, and a dingy pair of white overalls fal limply about it, green hair matted and covered in cobwebs and blood. It groans, coming forward slowly, haltingly, but surely**  
  
Nny: O.o  
  
(IT'S A ZOMBIE OOMPA-LOOMPA!)  
  
Zombie Oompa-Loompa: **groans and shuffles forward, hands reaching up for Nny's throat-**  
  
Nny: it's not even as tall as my waist! **holds his hands up, exasperated** Is this SUPPOSED to be incredibly stupid!  
  
(Compared to me he's pretty tall...)  
  
**Nny effortlessly drives his knife through the squishy skull and the Oompa-Loompa falls, dead as a doornail**  
  
Nny: That was too easy...  
  
**several more groans are heard and a miniature army of Oompa-Loompa zombies shuffle from the shadows. Nny wields his knife, slashing away**  
  
Nny: how the hell *slash* did all these guys *slash* get in *slash* you attic, Demo!?  
  
(I dunno. It's like a freaked-out version of 'The Poltergeist' or something. So, how do these zombies smell?)  
  
Nny: Bad!  
  
(HOW bad?)  
  
Nny: VERY bad. *slash-slash* Trust me.  
  
**Eventually the advancing army falls under Nny's expert blade-**  
  
Nny: ^.^ Thank you. **twirls it all fancy-like** (^.^ Awww!)  
  
**No prob. The rest retreat into the shadows.**  
  
Nny: Now that isn't natural...  
  
(Um, it could happen to anybody... right?)  
  
Nny: **glares** No, it couldn't. My job is done; I proved that something... odd... is going on in your attic.   
  
(Poop. I hafta let him go ;.;)  
  
**For once, Demo is going by the rules?  
  
Nny: **astonished look** Really?  
  
(**evil laugh** NO! Now, where did all the other zombies go?)  
  
...  
  
...  
  
**back to their master?**  
  
Nny: **shrugs** Makes sense.  
  
(That means... THE GHOST OF WILLY WONKA!)  
  
**The attic groans like a living thing as the floorboards writhe under Nny's feet. Our homicidal maniac falls over, almost dropping his knife. And a ghastly apparition stands before him... it is.... the ghost of Willy Wonka!**  
  
Nny: Um... **stands up** Hi?  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: ...greetings...  
  
Nny: ...Demo?  
  
(Hm?)  
  
Nny: What am I supposed to do?  
  
(..**shrugs**)  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: ...**blinks* Um, why did I come here again?  
  
Nny: **shrugs** This isn't MY fic.  
  
(Sure, blame the cat.)  
  
Nny: **tilts his head** So, what is it like, being a ghost?  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: **shrugs** Eh, it's okay...  
  
Nny: Do you have any supernatural ghostly powers or anything.  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: Yup.   
  
Nny: Ooo! Like what?  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: ...  
  
**Demo drops out of the ceiling**  
  
Demo: **blinks** Um... that wasn't supposed to happen...  
Nny: **evil malicious grin of demented homicidal maniacal-ness** Heh... time to skin the cat...  
  
**Censored 'cause the Oompa-Loompa have come back... and they're looking at me funny**  
  
Nny: **covered in cat blood and fur** Ahh... that felt good.  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: O.o **stares at the smoldering pile of bloody organ tissue that was once a fanfic author/zombie/android/...you get the picture**  
  
Nny: Fluffy, take me home, okay?  
  
Ghost of Willy Wonka: O.o...  
  
**No prob. Nny is magically transported, Star-Trek style, to his humble abode... and lands on Mr. Samsa.**  
  
Mr. Samsa: OvO eck...  
  
Nny: Er, Sorry 'bout that...  
  
(...**twitch** Gurgh...)  
  
Nny: YOU'RE NOT DEAD?!  
  
(..yesh... I'm a zombie, 'member? Ooh, Nny, you make me so MAD!)  
  
Nny: **trying to decide whether he should laugh or be scared**  
  
(Be afraid. Be very afraid. **phases out**)  
  
Nny: ...eh...  
  
---  
Note: DUN DUN DDUDUNNN! 'Magine that. Review, pleeze? I love wriritng these. 


End file.
